


The choice with a regret

by Amaehonne



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, M/M, Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 13:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7759411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amaehonne/pseuds/Amaehonne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> Eren sat there with an unreadable expression. It was unnatural to not be able to read a single emotion from Eren’s face; unnerving. But it was all in his voice when he spoke; gentleness and hesitation.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>“You loved the commander very much, didn’t you?” </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The choice with a regret

**Author's Note:**

> trying to cope with Erwin's death  
> i'm not doing too well  
> neither is Levi

Ashes of the burnt houses dusted their faces, leaving strings of dried tears all the more visible.

The house they settled in wasn't close to Eren's but was one of the few that still reminded a building more that a pile of rubble. 

The sun was still high on the sky when they settled and a few rays fell onto Levi’s face through a holed roof. The air smelled of burnt skin.  
It took a lot of effort to move Erwin’s body but here it was, lying at Levi’s feet.

He sat heavily on a half burnt log.

There were no walls surrounding them, just a few timbers holding the roof together; the wind blew freely, every now and then mercilessly moving Erwin’s hair around his stil face and over his closed eyes. Sun beams masked his abnormally pale skin, making it look like he was about to wake up.

Levi could hear the voices of others coming from the adjacent house, he couldn’t decipher the words; didn’t feel like joining them yet. Right now he didn’t feel anything actually.

 

“Sir?”

Levi closed his eyes, not sure he was ready, not for Eren. He heard the boy halt a few steps away and just stand there, silent. Too long for the usual span of Eren’s patience.

Levi lifted his head.

“What is it? Did Armin–?”

“Still asleep,” he replied quietly, bowing his head, his eyes fell on Erwin. “I’m sorry, sir, I–”

“Cut it, Eren,” Levi interrupted quickly. “I should apologize too, I hit you unnecessarily hard.”

Eren looked at him surprised.

“Oh, no Sir!” He shook his head fiercely, hands flying up towards Levi, then back to his sides, unsure. “I understand that, I just… Actually I wanted to apologize to the Commander.”

Levi’s eyes widened slightly, he looked at Eren’s face first time since the fight on the roof. His huge eyes still wet from tears, face dusty, otherwise not a scratch on him, not a single drop of blood remained.

“I’m not as reasonable or smart as–” he glimpsed at Erwin’s face, then looked back straight into Levi’s eyes. “–as Hange or you, sir. So I was really only able to think with my heart, I couldn’t give up on Armin! and I don’t regret that!”

Eren’s voice as full of determination as ever.

“But for _this_ , I _am_ sorry. For not regreting; knowing what it indicated for Commander Erwin.”

Eren bowed his head slightly, his gaze focusing on Erwin’s lifeless face.

“I’m sorry, Commander! I’m sorry!” he jumped into a perfect salute.

Levi watched them for a moment, he moved his fist to touch his own heart, but couldn’t say the words, even if they were at the tip of his tongue. He was sorry for Erwin but… not like that, not the way Eren felt.

“Captain...” Eren started, drying his face with his sleeve, only smearing the ash all over it. “Thank you for making that decision, I don’t know why but–”

“You probably wouldn’t thank me if you knew.”

Levi’s jaw clenched painfully; he didn’t know the right decision, no one ever knew beforehand.

But what he could tell already, was that it was the one decision he will always regret.

Eren watched him silently, took a few hesitant steps and sat on the ground next to the log. His eyes drifted from Erwin to Levi; he wanted to know _why,_ he didn’t dare ask though.

 

“I need to be alone for a while, Eren,” Levi whispered, eyes hooded with exhaustion.

The boy tensed and lowered his head, embarrassed.

 _Ahhh_ , Levi never liked that; Eren trespassed a very sensitive border but Levi couldn’t stand him sulking even now.

“You’re a good kid, Eren,” he sighed and put his hand on top of Eren’s head to ruffle his hair a little, instead his palm just lied there densely for a second before he pulled it back.

Levi laced his fingers together, resting the elbows heavily on his knees.

“Captain...” Eren's voice suddenly heated up. “You! You are a good person!”

He exclaimed resting his palms on the ground, leaning as if trying to manifest the conviction with his whole body.

“I don’t know, Eren.” Levi looked at him from under his fringe. “I don’t really know what a good person is.”

Ferocity in Eren’s gaze forced Levi to look straight into his eyes.

“Why then?” Eren’s voice grew louder. “Why did you change your mind?”

“Why, huh?”

 

 _Why, indeed? If I–if only… I made the right choice it would be you, Erwin; instead of on this cold ground you’d be lying on a make up bed, surrounded by everyone waiting for your eyes to open. And I would sit there, on your bed. And I’d be the first thing you see, and you’d smile at my pathetically emotional expression; and you’d hold me and call my name and_ –

But it wouldn’t be like that at all, would it?

_First thing your eyes would see after opening would be the blood on my face, instead of a smile there would be confusion on your face, and you’d instantly ask about the situation, status of the mission, focusing on what we need to do next, your mind burdened again by the guilt of the casualties; of your survival over theirs and of the desire to look into that basement. And it wouldn’t even make you happy, would it? Being there would just leave you with more guilt over being selfish._

 

Stinging in his eyes brought Levi back from his thoughts. He blinked the wetness away.

Eren sat there with unreadable expression. It was unnatural to not be able to read a single emotion from Eren’s face; unnerving. But it was all in his voice when he spoke; gentleness and hesitation.

“You loved the commander very much, didn’t you?”

Levi couldn’t trust his voice to answer, he shriveled into his shoulders; 

and nodded.

 

He heard Eren shift next to him and suddenly overly warm pair of arms surrounded his shoulders. Eren embraced him firmly and that empathetic touch was almost too much to bear. Levi allowed his head fall onto Eren’s shoulder, eyes stingy again. Levi stared numbly at the flying ashes. The boy cried in return into Levi’s hair.

The wind blew wildly around them, drowning out all the sounds. Levi let his body slide off of the log and he knelt next to Eren on the ground, his knees reached Erwin’s stiff, cold side. Levi realized he was gripping Eren’s jacket to the point his knuckles turned painfully white. He let go slowly, instantly missing the warmth.

Eren smeared the tears and dirt with his sleeve again and looked at Levi with a small, apologetic smile, honest.

All of Eren’s reactions were so honest. Never holding back his anger, joy, tears.

And he deserved honesty.

“You were right,” Levi started, reaching to touch Erwin’s hand with his fingertips.

Eren tilted his head slightly in question.

“I was acting based on my personal feelings,” Levi admitted and it somehow felt like a heavy stone fell off of his heart. “I was talking about how humanity needed Erwin, how we wouldn’t win without him, but… to be honest, I never really cared much about this general humanity." _It felt more like a duty._

Levi moved his gaze slowly to Erwin’s peaceful face.

“I always cared more about people around me, the ones that live now and the ones I could touch, save immediately.” Levi closed his palm over Erwin’s big hand. “He annoyed me so much with this damn ability to care about some abstract humanity, about future, when no one we know might even live. That’s what I always admired.”

Levi closed his eyes, letting out a long sigh.

“If not for Erwin, I wouldn’t be here. He showed me the way, he was always my – fuck, this sounds pathetic – my guidepost. And I wanted him to live!”

Levi looked Eren straight in the eyes then, and Yaeger has never seen such expression on Captain’s face – desperation, sadness, anger – suddenly so  transparent.

“And I was so certain that everyone thought the same – Erwin should live, humanity needs him, we need him!” Levi lowered his tone. “I need him.”

“Then why?” Eren was never the patient one. He put his hand over Levi’s, the one that clenched Erwin’s.

It was such a contrast, the dead cold beneath and unnaturally warm above.

“Because– Erwin, he–” Levi stumbled over his words. How to explain it? Feelings, he was never good with talking about them. “I saw his face when he accepted that he was going to die and; and he looked _relieved_.”

“I thought that,” Eren said pulling his hand back. “That maybe it was what Flocke said? About suffering, about hell?”

Levi sat back resting against the log, he couldn’t tear his gaze from Erwin’s face for too long.

“Erwin… they made him into a demon. And he was really just a human, with childish dreams.”

Eren let go a shaky sigh, his fists clenched.

“You feel guilty, huh?” Levi asked and Eren nodded. “Erwin lived with guilt all his life and he was tired. So, so tired.”

 

Pictures of Erwin’s face flashed before Levi’s eyes. Expression tense, eyes downcast. Levi suddenly imagined Erwin as Commander in his uniform standing straight before himself - kneeling - in plane clothes with blue eyes shiny, bright.

_Erwin the Commander spoke suddenly in the most authoritative tone:_

_“Of your father’s death.”_  
_“Guilty,” the kneeling Erwin answered calmly._

 _“Of Marie’s broken heart.”_  
_“Guilty.” The same reply, voice a bit quieter, eyes matte._

 _“Of every subordinate's death.”_  
_“Guilty.”;_

 _“Of children dying under your order.”_  
_“Guilty.”;_  
_“Of Levi’s friends’ death.”_  
_“Guilty.”;_  
_“Of burdening Levi with too much responsibility.”_  
_“Guilty.”;_

 _“Of Mike’s death. Of lying to your subordinates. Of pretending it was all for humanity.”_  
_“Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.”_

 

Levi rubbed his face hard with his both calloused hands, frustrated at his own imagination.

Eren sat silently watching the Captain with concern.

“Erwin felt so much guilt; and when I made that last choice for him, to give up his dream, to go and die. He–” Levi’s voice hitched.

Eren’s eyes filled with fresh tears.

“–he felt relieved, and he _thanked me_ … And I almost, selfishly–” Levi palms clenched painfully, eyes sharp. “For this humanity that didn’t even deserve him. I almost brought him back into this hell.”

Levi groaked at Erwin’s corpse.

“Captain, you,” Eren sobbed. “You really are a selfless person. I don’t really know what a good person is either but, sir, if I had to guess, it would be someone like you, Levi.”

Eren smiled through his tears and Levi looked up into those honest eyes.

“Thank you, Eren.”

 

“Eren!” Hange’s voice startled them and they both turned to the approaching figure. “Armin woke up!”

Eren jumped to his feet instantly but politely stayed in place, turning to Levi. Only when the Captain gave his nod Eren sprinted towards the house.

Hanji came to a halt on the opposite side of Erwin’s body, examining it with her alert eyes. After a moment she glanced at Levi’s exhausted expression.

“You alright?” The question was so subtle that Levi would never believe she was even able to speak so softly.

“Yeah… You?”

She replied with a noncommittal sound and a shrug.

“We need to go gather the bodies from the other side of the wall soon,” she started. “You should rest, Levi.”

“I know, I will.”

“Now.”

He looked up at her, slightly irritated by the order-like advice.

 

But that was good; irritation or not, any feeling was better that this _numbness_ he felt every time he looked at Erwin’s stubbornly closed eyes.

 

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

Hange sighed heavily and turned around, letting Levi be for a while longer.

He watched her go slowly, back into the house.

Levi laid himself down on the ground next to Erwin; looked at his face.

 

Sky turned red, sun no longer reflecting on their skin.

The numbness started to give way to something strong, painful;  
_despair_.

Levi felt water starting to roll down from his eyes, onto the ashy dirt.

Erwin’s face was so close, yet Erwin was out of his reach.

Levi closed his eyes and let himself cry for a bit; allowed himself rest, just for a moment.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not crying, you're crying
> 
>  
> 
> /Also Hange is agender in all my fics, she just prefers female pronouns. But since it's not really relevant to the storry I just left it like that.


End file.
